Can I truly grasp the words of Jesus as he prepared to leave the earth and delivered a message to his disciples so that they wouldn’t be alarmed or caught off guard by the way the world would feel about them? And can I love anyway when I’m faced with this hatred that Christ speaks of in this text? Because…. well what if to be hated by the world includes to be hated by the ones that you do love?

I feel like I’ve been walking through this season with a heart that’s shattered and wounded. I replay conversations and scenarios wondering how I got here, wondering what I did wrong to cause others to treat me in ways that I may not understand. Perhaps that’s the reason the Lord reminded me of this scripture last night and then with confirmation a few minutes ago during a call with my mom. Is this where we’re at? And can I grasp the idea that a warning coming from the Lord is a little more serious in nature than I would have presumed?

It’s easy to not care what people think when the people don’t hold a place in your heart. When you love them though, it’s so hard, so heavy…. looming like a dark cloud of emotions that don’t fade away easily.

I was listening to Matt Chandler the other night give an overview on the life and ministry of the Apostle Paul. And as he spoke about the events in Paul’s life through the calling and transition of his life mission, I cried like a baby. His loneliness had to be so heavy. After he was struck down by Jesus on the road to Dismascus, Paul was sent to a man who wanted nothing to do with him for healing. Then shortly after he delivered a testimony to the Jews that changed thousands of hearts, his very own people – his family, his brothers, his best friends that he grew up with and had walked alongside of his entire life tried to kill him. They tried to kill him. The people of his past hated him for what he had become and the people who walked with Christ wanted nothing to do with him because of his past. Can I imagine this place of in between? A place where who you were and who you are becoming leaves you friendless and lonely – hated by all – hated by both sides.

In the season I find myself in right now, I feel like I can relate to Paul in many ways. I too am somewhere between who I was and who I am becoming with no idea how to carry the weight of isolation I feel at times. My dog Drake keeps me company as much as a dog can.

I pray that I’m planting the seeds Christ has given to me to plant and although I don’t believe I’ll even know when he is using me VS when my ego is trying to take flight on a mission that has nothing to do with the Lord, I ….. I actually just want to stop there.

Father I need you.. That’s all.

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