I was in a deep sleep as I heard the alarm sounding – my cue to wake up. I knew it was important that I wake up and get ready – I had a flight to catch. But each time the alarm went off, I ignored it, telling myself that I would sleep for just a little longer. Then, I received a notification on my phone, alerting me that my driver was waiting outside for me. I fought hard against myself to get up and get going, but I couldn’t. Even though I knew it was important (I was catching a plane to tell my testimony to a large crowd), but I just didn’t have the strength to wake up. Suddenly, my eyes opened and I was shown a clock ticking. The hour was gone and I only had a few minutes before the driver would leave me. I jumped up in a panic and called the driver on my phone. He said he had been waiting for me outside. I begged him, “please don’t leave me. I’ll be down in just a few minutes.” He responded, “There are two Jodi’s on this list. Which one are you?” I told him who I was. He answered me, “Oh, I was hoping that you would be the one I thought you were.” He told me that he knew of me and mentioned some things of my past – work related. I struggled internally because the things he brought up about me weren’t important to who I am now (my mission at hand or the flight I was about to catch). But I didn’t correct him. I didn’t explain myself or talk about the reason I was traveling (to testify of Jesus). I got off the phone and as quickly as possible started packing clothes and trying to get dressed. I struggled with what I would wear – changing shirts several times. Then I felt panic realizing that I was very late and even though the driver said he’d wait on me, I may not make my flight.
I woke up feeling very upset with myself. I went outside and prayed, asking the Lord to forgive me for getting off track – for getting caught up in this world and not pursuing the last instruction he’d given me. Although, I feel like I have, I asked him to show me what I’d not done well enough or thorough enough – what I was lacking in. I can’t explain the reasoning other than my heart felt very heavy and full of repentance – I’m not even sure if it was for myself, really… I just felt heavy.
I started writing (it was probably 4am before I stopped). I wrote the title of my book “Father Please Let Him Live” and then I pondered that word “LIVE”. What is life? A post from a friend came to mind as I thought about the directive that has lingered on my mind over the last year “Remember who you are.” Randy talked about how we chose to come here and we even agreed to the trials and struggles we would face during our short stay. To be set apart is not conform to this world. Yet, everything we do to stay afloat day to day seems to throw us into motion like mice on spinning wheels – struggling to get to destinations that don’t exist in a continual battle to satisfy temporary flesh. Moths can eat everything we see, including the face that stares at me in the mirror. But that’s not who I am. And the amazing part of this all is that my prayer was bigger than I even realize. Life is eternal – as God is working the struggles of Josh and me and the kids for our ETERNAL good – completing heart changes that are impossible for men to accomplish. As Jesus taught, the man who has everything (rich man) will have a very difficult time making it into Heaven – it’d be easier to fit a camel through a straw than for a rich man to make it into the eternal paradise that Jesus has prepared for us. Yet what is impossible to men is possible to God. Life more abundantly doesn’t describe a place under the kingdoms ruled by the enemy – where he was given power and dominion, in which he tempted Jesus himself with these things. But with one foot in and one foot out, we somehow wish for both worlds to be granted to us – Heaven on earth and the afterlife of eternal joy. That wasn’t the walk of Jesus. Our forerunner overcame this place and all of its temptations and selfish desires. He was born into a fleshly body for the sake of dying for others. His mission was so confusing to the Pharisees, they repeatedly taunted him on the cross by saying, “IF He is the son of God, he would save HIMSELF.”
When I went back to bed, I laid there in prayer thinking about this dream, still unsettled inside about the panic that I’d felt in worrying I would miss my flight. And I asked God to show me the significance of this dream. As I drifted off to sleep, I was shown one thing – like an instant replay of one monumental clip. He showed me the clock that was expiring… that the hour was over and time is expiring.
With an urgency in my heart today I can’t pretend to understand the fullness of what this message means. But on this day, I just hope and I pray that I can be bold in Jesus for whatever purpose He has for me. I pray that when people look at me they don’t see Jodi, but they see Him and I pray that with whatever time I have left, that my life will glorify my Savior, as HE IS LIFE, and the way and the truth. I pray that I can remember who I am, (and understand the duality that I war against in myself), that I can hear His voice, walk in His will and wake up to the calling, whatever it may be – as that alarm clock rings.