I want the anger and bitterness to be broken off of me so badly, I can hardly think throughout most moments of most days. Yet who is the cause if there is no good person – if “we don’t wrestle against flesh and blood”?
Last night I went to a breathwork event and the guy said this one line that struck me as very bothersome. He said “it’s up to you to heal yourself.” I know better than this – I know that I have no power to heal anything – but on by the Spirit of God in me, can change occur. But I believe that God’s spirit moves when I can walk in faith – having no idea if the cliff I’m about to step off of will lead to something I’m unable to withstand. In this season of my life I feel like that cliff is loneliness. Yet I ask myself, “Does it get any lonelier than you are right now?” In every little pep-talk I have inside of my own mind, I find myself drifting into a game of blame and I have to consider that not being able to forgive myself is at the root of not forgiving others. Yet that feels every worse because guilt is the hardest spirit of all to wrestle with. What if it’s no one’s fault – just part of God’s redemptive story? But then, how do I participate in something that I myself can’t seem to overcome without wanting to war in the flesh?
If you’ve ever heart broken, you’ve likely put together these types of scenarios in your mind of how you’ll show the other person how wrong they were to hurt you – even if your method is to simply walk away with a chip on your shoulder. But that chip hurts – hurts you… hurt me.. In the chip, we learn to guard our hearts and vow to never allow another person access to our love… to our innocence. But is that no waging war against the flesh?
Tonight, I heard to phrase “hurt people can’t heal people… so let them off the hook.” Maybe I’ve been waiting on something that doesn’t even exist. Waiting for a love to be returned that just isn’t there. And maybe there was never an intention to cause me harm – maybe he truly doesn’t know that I have cried myself to sleep nearly every night for years. Maybe he has no idea that I’m hurting tonight, wondering why I’m so unimportant to have not heard from him in days. Maybe he’s giving me his absolute best, but his best happens to be a half-broken heart that’s in need of healing itself.
When Jesus spoke to the woman at the well, he addressed her hurt with a choice that was hers to make. He told her that she’d been drinking from empty wells and yet she was unsatisfied and we know by the texts that the wells were men – men that weren’t her husbands – men that were not selected for her by God. You know what Jesus didn’t do? He didn’t cast blame on those men. In fact, he didn’t talk about them at all because her healing was not tied to inspecting the hearts, motives or actions of those men who couldn’t satisfy the desires of her heart. HE was the desire of her heart – and she couldn’t see it. She didn’t even seem to want anything to do with him until he revealed himself to her.
Something amazing happened after he revealed himself to her – he told her to bring those men back to see him. Her healing was in the hands of her healer – Jesus. But only after she was made whole, could she share the testimony of Christ with others. He even used her brokenness to healed story to be the example that would convince those men of HIM – who HE IS – HIS POWER.
Tonight I look hard at this story, as I have for so many nights over the last few months. And I ask the Lord to reveal himself to me as he did that woman at the well. I look for the instructions inside of that story – to stop drinking from those wells (not because they’re bad or the men are evil – JESUS WANTS THEM TOO – Jesus loves them too)… but because I want that healing.. I want that forgiveness.. I want that everlasting water that will quench my heart and insure I never thirst for anything again.
I may not understand the dynamics of a woman’s heart who yearns for a man to fill her cup – to give her a drink.. Maybe it’s physical in nature or it’s all emotional (from my understanding of a woman, I would go with emotional), but I do know that I want shut off my yearning and desires and want for a man to complete me.
I gave more of the sickness that I perceived. I caused harm, not good. I did the opposite of show Jesus because my emptiness could never speak of who he is. I’m asking God to forgive me and help me to forgive myself.
Tonight I’m asking God to forgive us both and rescue us as His children who I believe he loves so much. I’m asking God to heal hurt that only he can heal and to shut off the lies and tricks of the enemy as I lay at the feet of Jesus and ask for the living water.. refusing to act on anything more until he heals me and make me whole. And tonight I’m asking for him to use me as he did the woman at the well, as a walking testimony of a transformation that can’t be spoken of or faked – but a testimony in truth by transformation of His Holy Spirit.
Thank you Lord….