I’m missing someone today. Actually, I was missing this someone yesterday too – and the day before that also. Searching for purpose in all things can be a crutch at times. For me, I analyze everything and then analyze it again – over and over in search of that “ahah!” moment. What if not all situations are meant to be solved? What if people enter our lives and then leave without cause or reason?
I regress. All things have purpose in our journeys in my humble opinion. I may not understand or have any answers but I believe deep down that our paths are pre-ordained with significance to the shaping, molding and refining of our inner beings. For example, I’m extremely immature. You know how I know this? I didn’t until like 24 hours ago – epiphany moments require reflection and reflection rarely takes place in times of comfort. No… It’s when we’re grasping at something in the rear view mirror asking questions like, “What went wrong?” – that’s when we can begin to analyze deeper, staring at the inner-most workings of yours truly; taking responsibility for our actions because frankly everyone’s sick of hearing the crap that we say out-loud in attempt to convince ourselves of our own delusional bullshit. So, how do I know I’m immature? Because the truth of
Take responsibility for yourself…. Painful but necessary. Cause let’s face it, everyone has problems. Everyone has been hurt, mistreated, betrayed and [ enter your sob story here ] in some way, at some point in the past or present. What do we gain from allowing these situations or memories to linger in our thoughts? My friend Halima said this about me recently, “You were just always quiet. No one really knew you.” And I thought to myself, that’s ok… We don’t have to share our souls with everyone who crosses our paths. In fact, what if the most intimate parts of our inner workings aren’t meant to be broadcasted outloud in past, present or future settings? Cause the bottom line is this…. What do we gain from complaining? Absolutely nothing.
For me, maybe I’m just being a bratty child at the moment – pissed off at the world because I didn’t get my way. Guess where that’s gotten me? No where good. If I could go back to 6 months ago, I’d tell myself to let it go… let it be… let all the expectations roll off my shoulders and refuse to let anger into my heart. If I could go back 6 months, I’d celebrate change even if I had no idea what tomorrow will look like because I don’t and by the way who does? Our lives can be turned upside down in a split second for the better or worse – but it’s all temporary, is it not? So….. why worry about it?
In conclusion… “Shut up Jodi” is a motto I hope to adapt from here on. I don’t want to hear my thoughts anymore on repeat. What I lose I’m meant to lose. What I gain could be amazing or could end up falling off a cliff five minutes from now. Worrying about anything adds nothing good to my life or those who take part in my life. I never thought I was capable of being the “negative Nelly” type.. So, I’ve been humbled (compassion is gained I guess), but more importantly self-awareness is a necessity for growth. I need to grow up and stop expecting that I’m owed anything in this life.