I understand that the flesh can be very powerful when it needs something. I’ve laid helpless many nights, feeling like if I could just get rid of the pain, all would be alright. And in those moments of desperation, I’m quite sure that I’d do just about anything to feel better. Anything but hurt someone else.
The Lord said that we should pray that we are not tempted. I don’t pretend to understand the depth of wickedness that can enter into a person when temptation takes control. But I know that He’s the only one that can safeguard us from such. I know that I’m no better than anyone, unless he decides to make it so. And so the question I often ask myself is, do we have a choice in the matter at all?
I think the answer is yes. I think the Lord shows us who He is, maybe not always in the ways we would expect him to appear. But in our troubled times, particularly, I believe He’s with us. I believe he is the hand that helps us to get back up when we’re laying wounded on the ground. I believe he is the unexpected kindness we receive from a stranger. I believe he’s the love and compassion that pours into us even when we deserve the opposite. He’s mercy when we deserve to be condemned. He’s comfort when we deserve to be abandoned. He’s forgiveness when we don’t even know how to ask for such. He appears to us and sometimes even through us and both when we’re in need or when we’re a vessel used by him tending to another’s need, we can see Him if we choose to do so. We can say yes to His goodness and open hearts to receive of Him.
Tonight I’m sad. I want to be angry and I think I even should be angry. But mostly, I’m just sad. And I wonder how the Lord feels about how I feel. And I’m reminded that HE KNOWS. Christ, above all knows what it feels like to be betrayed. As the very ones that should have been thanking him, were yelling out “crucify him!”.. As the very ones that should’ve been defending him, were saying “I don’t know him.” As the very ones that should’ve been begging him for forgiveness were spitting on him and piercing his body…. HE KNOWS what betrayal feels like to the highest extent of the idea of such heartbreak.
In my oneness, I walk through betrayal all alone, feeling as if I’m the one that gave all I had to help another, and was treated horribly in return. But in truth, I see that this has nothing to do with me at all. This is still HIS STORY, not mine. He in me and me in Him – we are two made one and his heart feels what my heart feels and my heart feels the pain that was inflicted upon his heart and continues to be.
As awful as I feel right now, I’m thankful that I’m not in this alone, and I never will be. I’m thankful that this betrayal isn’t my burden to carry, as the actions that I did for another weren’t even mine to begin with. HIS LOVE poured out… This isn’t my battle, I’m just a set of lenses for Him to occupy in this season.
Thank you Lord for being the comfort of my broken heart tonight and for being my shield against all of these daggers that are being thrown in my direction. Thank you Lord for being my everything…. just… Thank you.