My son has been a mess the last few weeks as Boomer’s condition has worsened. And today as he spends time with him and prepares to say goodbye to his furry friend, I’m reminded that the last picture that was in my phone before Josh’s stroke was a picture of Boomer sitting on the patio furniture holding a pen in his hand.
I had no idea of the significance that “the pen” would hold in my coming trials. I didn’t know that Jesus was the author and today as I write this entry, I struggle to let go of the pen – all day everyday it seems. I try to figure out why there’s so much pain wanting to fix it and heal it in myself and in others. I try to figure out where I went wrong to deserve to be where I’m at right now – where the world is at right now. I try to figure out how to escape suffering – which only causes more suffering.
Boomer has been instrumental in many things throughout this journey. He was rejected when I brought him home for my daughter. She didn’t want him and I guess I understand now as the idea to get him was something I did to try to heal her pain from losing another puppy that she’d quickly fallen in love with. I tried to fill the void of her broken heart but it didn’t help her hurt.
Boomer also was instrumental in me letting go in the midst of divorce that I was fighting. The issues with the dogs in our house created so much stress that I supported Josh moving out with Boomer to end the violence in our home. It sounds silly to me even speaking of pets as important parts of our reasoning in why we do what we do, but I do believe God has been in all of this. And I do believe I’ve been trying to create Ishmaels (the promises of God before he gives them – by my own ideas and strength) – for a very very long time.
As Josh lets go of Boomer today, I’m asking God to help me let go of the pen again and again and again. I’m asking him to give me the strength to be grateful for where he has us all and what he’s doing – without trying to forecast what’s next and go ahead of Him. I’ve been swimming in a pool full of regrets and worries for so long, feeling as if everything I do is against His will. And I know that doing anything without his guidance is a bad place to be, yet the struggle and battle to stop this has continued on for far too long.
Peace is an internal thing and I’ve been trying to find it in the external things – if I only had “this” or “that” then I’d be at peace. Yet the storm rages on stronger and more intense with each day I’ve spent inside of that mindset.
Heavenly Father I ask you today to help me to have faith in the brokenness – to celebrate your story even when I’m hurting and to surrender to your plan even when I can’t see it. I’m asking you to remind me in a heart change that everything is working for our good. I’m asking you to restore peace to me internally.
Lord please heal Josh’s heart and give him peace in this loss.
Thank you Jesus.