I don’t even know what to title this entry – but I’m asking the Lord to convict the hearts of all who carry accusations and blame, condemnation and judgement among another’s sin and namely mine. I just read an entry from many years ago where I talked about carrying the weight of the world by example of the story of the woman who was caught in adultery. I placed myself in her shoes, feeling the heaviness of so many things. Little did I know when I wrote about the one who writes in the sand, that I would soon become her in a very real way, to the extreme that I would find myself fighting against my thoughts wondering if the Lord could even love me anymore – believing everything that has been spoken over me by people I have loved.
Receiving divorce papers was shocking at best and it hurt, but not nearly as bad as reading the group text messages sent by the family of my ex-husband, condemning me and blaming me for the divorce I didn’t even want to happen. I watched scriptures and the name God shuffled around. I remember one message in particular that insisted God hates me if I allow the divorce to happen. Meanwhile another mocked me as a “Jesus freak” and insisted my ex-husband would be so lucky to get away from me – he agreed and called me crazy. Then another hired a criminal attorney to accuse me of mistreating a handicap person. I had never left that man’s side since the moment he went down – wanting nothing more in this world than for him to be healed and our family to continue and thrive. I wanted my kids to have their dad back and their mom back too as I’d certainly not been able to fulfill that role very well over the course of that 3-plus year period.
I tried to defend myself on that one group text chain, but couldn’t do it. I was too sad and too shocked. My daughter defended me and was ridiculed and called “classless” and “trash” in response to her words detailing everything she’d watched me do for her father.
On the other side of being served papers, I received a wonderful gift. An old friend reached out and ended up helping me so much through the hurt and the healing. I fell in love with him unknowingly to my own heart in the beginning. Then more condemnation and blame came in.
I was called a harlot and worse. The friend ended up not wanting to pursue a romantic relationship with me and I found myself alone to sort through perhaps the worse heartbreak I’ve ever felt in my life. I wake up each day shaking, feeling like God can’t possibly be for me if everyone I love is against me – the old people and the new people. On Thanksgiving the only friend I had left told me I make him miserable and then a few days after the one woman that I shared my heartbreak with told me that I was going through all of this pain because I’d been disobedient to God.
All I have left is my kids and I wonder do they blame me too – do I make them miserable also….
Maybe I am a harlot. I’m certainly an adulterer and a sinner. My flesh struggles with wanting to be loved and to feel loved with a gaping whole in my heart that seems to just cut deeper and deeper by the day. I have come to a point nearly everyday for months now where I struggle to understand why I would deserve to live and what purpose I could possibly have here on this earth – what I could possibly have to give anyone, considering the only ones I’ve ever poured love into seem to all hate me, blame me and condemn me.
So there she is… the woman caught in adultery. And everyone (even the ones she had loved and the ones who had partaken in the acts of her trying to feel loved) were in the mix of the crowd, yelling “kill her” – “stone her”. She said nothing. I would imagine she had no more fight in her. I would imagine she had nothing left to say and even believed in her own heart that she was worthless, and meaningless, and deserving to no longer live. She said nothing….
Jesus bent down and wrote in the sand with his finger. And the angry mob of people that called for her death gave reason to him of why she should she killed and he ignored them still and wrote in the sand with his hand. At this point the Lord gave them permission to kill her with one condition. He appointed her accusers with a leader to instigate her death in an open ended qualification. He said “He who has no sin, cast the first stone.”
The script says that they were all convicted in their hearts and they turned away from her – starting with the eldest – perhaps the ones who had lived on this earth long enough to see their own laundry list, (I can’t say for sure what that means). Once the mob was all gone and everyone had left her in peace, Jesus turned to her and asked, “Who is condemning you?” She said “No one Lord.” And he said, “Neither do I.”
When God set me free from that horrific situation I found myself in years ago, I was scared. I took a leap of faith believing that God had given me another chance at life – another chance to feel love again. But I stayed in that place and heard more and more of the accusations from people in the community and old friends. I wanted to get away from it all so badly and run towards the only person who seemed to not condemn me. But when I did that I found myself alone and still listening to the voices behind me. I have fought to defend myself against them all to the point of responding in blame and accusation.
I’m so tired of defending myself. And I hate that I’ve become an accuser just like the ones who made me feel so awful and hated.
I’m asking the Lord tonight to have mercy on me and on all who have hurt me too. I’m asking him to convict hearts and heal us all so that we can let go of judging one another and casting blame. I’m asking him to set me free from the voices that torment me – the words of people I have loved that cut me deeply, that I hear repeating in my mind over and over again.