Returning to my First Love

My heart is broken for my children and even myself today, realizing how focus on the temporary things that have been destroyed and yet linger still creates a type of hell on earth that the mind really can’t heal from – can’t comprehend…. not in the natural at least. I’ve never really been able to express this before because I feel guilty in saying the habits and demise that I have recognized in my family, but for me, separation by death is not near as hard as separation by the carnal life for a mind that’s still hoping for something broken to be mended back as it was before. There is great sadness in looking at loss, day after day for many years. Most of us don’t have to – we can numb ourselves from this reality of a broken world if we choose to do so. We don’t have to give thought about the people across the world today who are being tortured, enslaved, slaughtered or worse. We don’t have to look into the eyes of someone who is starving or doesn’t have water to drink. Simply put, we can choose to stay in an unconscious state of self-made happiness, focus on our goals and fall asleep in tv programs and positive thinking strategies to keep ourselves safe from the heartbreak that comes with being aware of the pain and struggles of others. We live in a system that doesn’t seem to care about the broken things. We give our crumbs to causes that help the disabled, the homeless and the sick. We throw our elderly into nursing homes and we chase after the idea of “living our best life” – literally this phrase could be the most popular saying in the United States today. All the while, as we rack up stuff – bigger homes, faster cars, new clothes to meet new trends and array ourselves with gold and diamonds as a symbol of our success, we wonder why we feel empty at night when we turn over to sleep. We wonder why there’s always another goal – another achievement, another vacation, another big purchase, another title printed our business cards that we need to labor to get to – only to get there and realize it wasn’t really as satisfying as we thought it would be. Rats in a cage… running as fast we we can to arrive nowhere. Mary gave her most prized possession to Jesus in preparation for him to go to the cross as Judas freaked out when he saw what she was doing. “Are you crazy woman? Do you know how much money we can get for that?” I imagine this is much like finding the diamond that was lost in the Titanic and throwing it on the neck of a dead body prior to lowering the coffin into the ground. Most of us would have a thought dancing in the back of our minds – “Uhhhh.. Yeah, let’s NOT bury the most expensive diamond on the planet, let’s sell that thing and build an empire.” I know my mind would wander there, just like Judas. Of course Judas justified his words by adding, “We could use that money to feed the poor.” Jesus corrected him – “there will always be poor among you, but you will not always have me here.” As God in the flesh he knew what was on the mind of Judas – he knew the dude wasn’t worried about the poor, he wanted that money. To me, I see the choice all of us make each day, over and over again as we walk through this broken world setting our hearts on something that’s worthy to us. And to me, GOD IS LOVE – and Jesus was saying “You won’t always have this love that’s with you right now. So what do you want to labor for, what do you want to give your most prized possession to?” I want to serve love. And I have. So perhaps I should stop cursing my past and the pain that came with walking through hell on earth with others for the sake of love. For me, I see that losing anything and everything that this world has to offer for the opportunity to give all of me to love – the love on my heart in a moment of time that God ordained in my life.. It was beautiful. It was worth it. While the world is standing still today in separation – clinging to the things we are losing – the things that could never satisfy our hearts, we are all hurting in a way that is more heartbreaking than I can even grasp. We can’t stand close to eachother, can’t touch one another, hug one another, cry together, celebrate together – we are literally divided to the point that our hearts are full of fear to love using the gifts God has gifted us this day. We need restoration of our hearts. We need to return to our first love – Christ on the cross that set us free from death so that we can walk in love for one another – the ONLY commandment in the new covenant. But what is that love that’s placed on our hearts when the heart is broken by betrayal? For me, I’m seeing that this is when I’m supposed to look up and know that my savior draws near. I have to seek HIM for love to be poured into me and accept that the ones here aren’t my source of life. Loving your enemies too – praying for the ones who have used me or hurt my heart so that they may be set free from the hurt that first betrayed their hearts to cause them to treat me in that way to begin with. Hurt people hurt people. We can only give to another what we have and if what we have is fear and emptiness from a pursuit in worldly things, we can’t see the value of another’s most prized possession. They can’t see the value of my love – of God’s love. Can I love them anyway, from a distance with a heart that cries out for forgiveness and healing for all of us? Can I give my most prized possession (my heart) to the one who IS LOVE? For clarification on my own state of substance – it would be wise to admit that all I have to give is a broken heart – so in my hurt, perhaps it’s time to put a “closed” sign on myself and go to the one who made me – the master physician – the only one that can mend a hurt heart. Seek him while he can still be found…. – Isaiah 55:6 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and sees the crushed in spirit – Psalms 34″18

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