It’s no accident I think, that I had no desire to bear a child. In my own selfishness, I didn’t want to be responsible for another’s life – and whole heartedly believed that God planting a seed of life in me, would be the biggest mistake ever. I didn’t know anything about babies, and I didn’t want to know. I had a career that I was after, a young romance that needed to flourish and a body (exterior appearance) that I desperately wanted to keep looking flawless. That, was one of my greatest gifts without question (my looks). I had no room in my life for crushed career dreams and a fat, sloppy droopy, ruined appearance.
I called upon the powers of false gods by the self-centered desires of my own heart – something I’ve never truly realized until this moment as I write this. My heart was set on money, success and prosperity. The details of what I did aren’t important, but the result of me doing everything I could to promote MY DESIRES, was a positive pregnancy test. I’ve never even spoken out-loud to myself about the alignment that I knew deep down was awfully coincidental. Because what happened was pretty much my worst nightmare (the opposite of what I wanted). The desires of my heart were nowhere near the desires of God’s heart, but that really didn’t matter because He decides what to do with those who belong to Him.. a long, heart-wrenching and yet amazing revelation of my journey that continues to unfold still today.
I cried for at least a week straight. I remember my mother scolding me with the same disgust I felt in myself. “You realize your life is ruined right?” In wordless agreement with her, I completely realized it. There was no chance the big company where I had been interning at would hire me for a the permanent position I was chasing, once the knew I was pregnant. Not only that, I knew the hours, travel schedule and physical requirements of the marketing role I would no longer be able to perform. And to make matters worse, my boss, the VP of Marketing openly despised pregnant women in the workplace and wasn’t shy about expressing the uselessness of women carrying babies that “belonged at home”, as he used to put it. So… my career dreams were finished. And, my body was too.. and potentially, my engagement. Although Josh seemed like the only one happy about the pregnancy, I knew deep down that he was quite vain – very much in love with the outward woman and since my appearance was about to be destroyed, I worried that his affection towards me would also be gone.
I didn’t want a baby… in any shape or form – this was my worst nightmare come true for me at the time. And sadly, a part of me was hoping that I’d miscarry in the early stages. I did not. Yet amazingly, as the doctor visits continued and my belly grew larger, I began changing. Excitement, fear, sorrow, love, anticipation – too many emotions to even name welled up inside of me, increasingly more severe with everyday. Within only the first 2 months, I had become so committed to the life that was growing inside of me, I had changed nearly everything in my outward life. For example, I had quit smoking and drinking caffeine, cold turkey. I wanted nothing to do with anything that could potentially cause harm to the baby that I was carrying. I changed all of my habits – taking long walks instead of hitting the rigorous gym routine. I rested when I could, began keeping the house immaculate in preparation for providing the baby with a sanitized environment and I even quit my dream job and humbled myself to work retail in the mall. I was embarrassed about it all, so I applied at the mall that was in a neighboring community – not wanting people that I knew to see me working minimum wage with a huge belly at the age of 19 – a far cry from the path I’d previously been headed down. The sports car that I loved so much I traded in for a beat up Honda pathfinder that barely ran. And Josh and I even sold the house that we’d saved up for so long to purchase – moved in temporarily as his mom’s rent house to decrease our mortgage/rent and prepare financially to take care of a child.
As time continued to pass, the changes outward were almost meaningless to the the ones that were happening to me inward. I spent all of some of my spare-time watching baby shows and balling buckets of tears at the stories of childbirth. I volunteered at a local daycare to learn how to change diapers and make bottles. And when I wasn’t cleaning, crying or learning about babies… I was spending time with the baby. I wrote her letters and spoke to her almost constantly. I told her my secrets and cried to her. I humbled myself by the minute to the hour of everyday to let her know how much I loved her and how happy I was to know her and how I didn’t want to let her down. I changed my whole world for her – every single of fiber of who I was, transformed into something new… called a mom.
I loved someone that I couldn’t even see MORE than I loved myself. I watched my every want and every desire die because she became my heart’s ONE DESIRE… that baby girl that started off with no physical evidence of her existence. Imagine how they felt back before we had pregancy tests.. They were just believing that new life could be created in them but they had no way to verify if the seed had been planted. And look how the signs start… morning sickness (that doesn’t sound very good)… – throwing up, loss of appetite, tired all the time, lack of energy… getting pregnant is very similar to coming down the flu. But in the afflictions of happenings that are very uncomfortable to the flesh, we start to see the evidence of the seed planted.
“I think I’ve caught a have a horrible disease… No you’ve fallen into the hands of God and He’s planted a seed of Jesus in you”… ever wondered about this? Why is getting pregnant with so many awful side effects to the flesh?
But as the seed grows inside, the outward evidence of LIFE inside of the vessel carrying the seed becomes evident. I wonder if this has anything to do with how pregnant women “glow” with a radiance, as was described of Stephen as he was dying… But before any signs outwardly are seen, through the sickness and feeling awful, the woman begins to rejoice with FAITH that NEW LIFE has began growing inside of her….
Most recently, I’ve been seeing so many connections to “the seed” and Jesus”, with a growing understanding that HE IS the seed, (the good seed). I’ve been in this amazing walk with the Lord on my eyes being opened to new understandings of the “Kingdom inside of us” that Christ explained and the tie to “the Kingdom is like a mustard seed.” God led me to teachings by a man named Terry Bennett that really cracked open a new part of my heart to understand the opposition of “self life – ME” and “Christ life – HIM”… the new creature and the necessary dying of the old creature (once again me).
So today, He revealed to me the seed of life.. Christ (life) in me. He showed me the change that takes place as the pains and discomforts intensify in the woman carrying the seed. She has to get rid of her old self (ALL OF HER WAYS) in order to be a vessel that holds and prepares for the birth of the child. And as crazy as this may sound, I feel like I’m pregnant, (spiritually)… yet at that early place that I’d been before… Crying about the changes in my life and the strangely unanswered desires of my heart. What I wanted (the life I saw for myself) is not what God had in mind… And through that 9 months that followed the news of the seed planted in me, I had to be crushed (everything that I wanted, all of my self-desires, self ambitions, priorities that brought me self esteem and self love and self gratification… they had to be destroyed… I had to lose my job, my body, my dreams, my comfort in the strength of my relationship with my fiance, my pride (illustrated in me running to another town to be pregnant and on minimum wage), my habits – I still remember how my flesh groaned when I cut off nicotine and caffeine (the headaches, nauseousness and mood swings were horrible). Absolutely everything that defined “me” and made “me” comfortable had to die – a process that was developing a new love in my life – a love for the LIFE within me.. no longer me who lives, but MaeKenna who was living in me – JUST LIKE PAUL SAID ABOUT JESUS… It was no longer Paul who lived, but Christ within him. Paul said that he was crucified (dead) with Christ.. Paul lost his identity of “me”… As the seed of Jesus grew in him, his life didn’t matter anymore. His dreams and desires and all self-centered fleshly things passed away and the Love of GOD began to dwell in Paul. That real love – sacrificial love… the love Christ demonstrated when he laid down his life for us.
Jesus said that He went to prepare a place for us.. I wonder if that place was within us.. Circumcising our hearts and emptying out everything of “self-love” so that the Kingdom of God can dwell in us… LIFE internally that leads to life eternally because Christ IS LIFE.. His seed in us. The miracle of God giving life and the miracle of God resurrecting life, playing out in the same sequence of internally change that a woman in travail experiences as she awaits the blessed hope of the new creature inside of her being completed and ultimately delivered. Deliverance… my gosh…
As the Lord gives me more on this later, I will share. He truly is amazing and loves us so much… even as He rips apart the outward man in order to plant the seed of JESUS/LIFE in us, which sometimes seems so awful and hard to get through.. but its HIS LOVE in that process giving us LIFE
Thank you Lord.