The Heaviness of Me

I fail at so many things.  I look at all the masks that I wear from moment to moment.  Being a wife, a mother, a business professional and my heart’s desire to be a child of God – there’s a heaviness that seems to always hover above the juggling act of all these roles – and many more that come and go through each day.

I’ve learned how to throw my hands up in surrender, yet the desire to swim against the current never seems to leave.  I always have somewhere to be, something to share, something to overcome and something to demonstrate – all those somethings run together like a cloud of broken crowns – and the continual task of putting them back together again, adding soap to the dirty, and painting gold over the rust.

I woke up with the song on my mind, as the lyrics go “Is it too late to say sorry.  I know that I’ve let you down, but is it too late to say sorry.. now?”  I’m not even sure if that’s the way the song really goes, but that’s what I was singing to myself.  All my failures just came tumbling down on my shoulders as I started crying and I don’t even know exactly why.  I just began saying “I’m sorry Lord” over and over.  And as I picked myself up and wiped away the tears, the conversation in between my ears was so telling of something bigger than me.  That urge to cry seems almost foreign to what my mind can understand, and the phrase kept repeating itself, “I sometimes have the urge to cry, and I don’t even know why.”

Romans 8:26 says, “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”

Groaning in the greek means “an unutterable gushing of the heart”…  I sometimes wonder if these groanings I experience so often lately are for others, who I don’t even know… Or if they’re working to bring to surface things in me – things I would never pray for in the carnal mind.

The heaviness of me seems to be a battle between carrying the burden of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and carrying the weight of the flesh that was defeated on the cross – wants, desires and even needs that war against the inner Creature of He who planted a seed of salvation in me.

Father I just ask you today for your will to be done.  I can’t frame up anything with these unclean lips or filthy hands, but may Your Spirit in me continue to say “yes Lord”… no matter what I’m facing, no matter what I’m failing at and no matter how strange the grieving may seem to a mind that struggles and seeks to comprehend the secrets of YOU.  Help to me be still IN YOU and to deny the “me” that I must surrender everyday to the ONENESS of Your Son IN ME.

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
 – Galatians 2:20