Lately, I feel like I’m in between two worlds – in a process. On one hand, I want to help people. I feel like the Lord has given me so many things throughout this journey and brought revelation full circle in areas that have opened my eyes to see in ways I could never before see or understand or comprehend HIM and me. But on the other hand, I feel reserved – like a small child, unsure of myself and weakened to even sort through my own mess of issues and emotions. Perhaps this is how Moses felt when he argued with God, insisting that he was unqualified for the task at hand. Or maybe this is how Isaiah felt, when he was able to see himself and those around him, with unclean lips. A great change happened to me when I was able to see so many of my own mistakes. Not the kind of mistakes that we can calculate with carnal strategies, applying cause and effects – deep mistakes that go beyond our own control of things. When Isaiah saw his unclean nature, the bible says that an angel took hot coal from the throne of God and touched it to Isaiah’s lips. Then he was made bold to answer the calling of the Lord, stepping up the challenge as a servant that says, “I’ll do it.” There’s an important step in this process that takes us from seeing ourselves as unworthy to stepping into the will of God – that fire burning coal. Unpleasant to the flesh to be burned – yet just as fever kills the virus and fire molds the gold – we too are hard-pressed under extreme heat in an uncomfortable process of refinement.
A friend of mine recently asked me “What is it that you fear the most?” It’s strange, but I couldn’t put my finger on that one thing – as my greatest fear was something that I had to walk out recently. Perhaps that trial still lingers like the aftershocks of a great earthquake as I cling to a hope that time will not repeat itself in a similar event. And then I look around at all of the pain in this world – the sicknesses, diseases, hatred, suffering – it’s like looking into a reality that we are very much a part of, while at the same time seeking a truth that defies all logic. Immortality isn’t something I question. I thank the Lord that I’ve been shown first hand the truth of our consciousness – beings that pass from one reality to the next, without an end. And I thank the Lord from the promise that was delivered to me when I was 17 years old, laughing at myself that it took me 22 years to recognize the simplistic message of “It’s not your time yet.” YET, they said. This is a promise that I pray will take me to the finish line, no matter how hard the days and nights may seem at times. No matter how difficult the birthing process may become along the way. I will be born – my time will come.
As I ramble without direction in this peculiar season of learning how to stand up and say “I’ll do it.” I ask God to give me strength and knowledge. I ask you Lord to lead my path and open up the doors that you would have me walk through. Father help me to rise from the ashes – wounded with scars, just as our Lord Jesus carries his within His mighty hands. Lord complete my faith and instruct my walk. Show me the way Home and use me as a vessel of your love to pick up all of those who you place in my path along the way… Home.
Randomly found this song called “two worlds collide”… and oddly (as there are no coincedences), it speaks to my own heart today. Thank you Lord for all you are that I could never be and your unwavering love for us in the blood of Jesus Christ.