I don’t deserve to live

I’ve spent most of my days contemplating what I deserve – like a spoiled child, questioning why others have more than me, better than me, less hurt or less trials.  And in spiritual ideas that lack truth I looked upon the story of a broken world taking no responsibility for the decisions of Adam and Eve.  Why should I suffer because they made an error?  Why do I have to live in a broken world because two that came before me made a mistake that offended God, our creator?  Doesn’t God know we (me) don’t deserve to live in sickness, pain, struggle and heartbreak at the hands of people we’ve never even met?

And I realize in this season, that I am them every single day, making a choice.  God is love, yet I betray his love second guessing his instruction, looking to the lies of this world for answers – chasing the American dream, accumulating stuff that doesn’t profit my soul, pondering that his ways are out-dated or somehow not relevant to the times we live in – as the serpent whispers, “he didn’t really tell you that did he?  Oh, that’s nonsense, you won’t surely die.”  God is love, yet the spirit of Cain causes me to look at others in comparison and bitterness.  I wonder why they appear to be living in favor while my efforts never seem to pan out the way I want.  God is love, yet the spirit of Abel causes me to seek revenge upon those who have caused me harm, treated me unfairly, spoken awful things about me or placed judgement on me, when judgement belongs to the Lord – Abel’s blood cries out to the Lord in accusation.  God is love, yet the gentle yoke of Jesus Christ – Yeshua Hamashiach, and his simple instruction to love others as myself and to love my neighbors and my enemies too seems to be so difficult.  If the Lord says its easy, how can it be difficult?

Oh Lord, please show us who we are.  Father, pour your spirit out upon all flesh and open our hearts to see the truth.  I pray to you to keep my children safe and far from evil, yet I struggle to follow your commands.  I’m a hypocrite and a liar and a thief and murderer all the days of my life.  Purge me Father – remove the sin and death and decay by the blood of Jesus, I beg you to make me whole, lacking nothing, wanting nothing, with the fruit of the spirit as a witness to your glorious work, that I may be transformed by love, kindness, meekness, patience, long-suffering and self-control.

I deserve death.  But God, in your mercy you’ve made a way for me to return to you through the price paid by the blood of Christ.  Let me not send him to that cross in vain.  Father, help me to accept the gift you give me freely and to abide in Him and Him in me for the rest of my days.  Destroy the adam and the eve and the cain and the abel inside of this filthy flesh and prosper my soul in spirit, that I may prosper by your will and in the goodness that you have promised to all who are called according to your purpose….. In Jesus’s mighty name, my Lord and My Savior, Yeshua Hamashiach, I thank you, Amen.