One of the milestones that we often pride ourselves on are relationship goals – anniversaries in particular. I’ve always admired couples who make it in marriage for the long haul. It’s funny, the only ones in my family to surpass 50 years of marriage were my Granny and Papa. And shortly after that anniversary, my Granny started talking about getting a divorce. It seemed so senseless and almost comical. Why would someone wake up in their 70’s and suddenly begin complaining about a marriage that she had lived through for her entire adult life? I didn’t take her seriously. I’m not sure any of us did. I thought maybe it was her medication talking or some sort of chemical imbalance in her brain from the illnesses she had battled for so long. But aside from the “why” I was most intrigued by the “why now?” I wondered why a person would quit something that they had clearly done right. Why give up on an achievement that so few will ever accomplish?. Just seeing myself type “accomplish” in light of this subject makes my own skin crawl right now.

I anticipated that yesterday would be very difficult for me because yesterday symbolizes failure. Unlike my Granny and Papa, I didn’t make it to the other side of that mountain. My marriage ended just a few weeks short of what would have been our 20 year anniversary on June 17th, 2019. And it would have been really awesome to post pictures and videos and brag about hitting this huge milestone of making it 20 years in marriage. But aside from parading images of a lie, the celebration would’ve felt empty – as it has for so many years, even though I couldn’t see it. The brain is a powerful weapon working either for us or against us. And under influences of picture perfect images painted for us that display what life is supposed to look like, I’m convinced that the human brain can both imagine and create a reality inside of reality that’s not only fake, but heavy – lies are much like weight hanging from our necks – even the kind that we can’t yet see within ourselves.

Yesterday wasn’t hard, suprisingly. On the outside, I felt failure. But on the inside I felt freedom because I’m not pretending anymore. I can wear failure and be honest about what I’ve truly endured – not the fluffy fairy-tale that I had adopted for truth but the real truth. They say the truth will set you free – and I believe that HE DID come to set the captives free. Yet, how hard is it to lay down the works of our own hands and accept that freedom within our own lives?

Ultimately it’s not about failure at all… that ship’s already sailed. Failure was achieved before this little venture ever even took flight. It’s about admitting failure – that’s the hard part. But yes….. the truth will set us free.

#brokenisbeautiful

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